I've really been feeling the pressure at work the last few weeks and (of course) that's making me want to get the hell out of this place all the more.
Still not a word to the family here that we are going back to Utah, but I know Tom loves me and will do what he needs to to take care of me.
I just hope it's soon...I almost walked on the job last night...but in the end I was able to get my composure in check and made it through my shift.
So we are trying to figure out exactly where we need to go to pick up a copy of our marriage license because we don't have one yet, and I think I need it in order to get a new ssc with the name Hargrove on it, which I will need in order to get a new driver's license (in Utah of course) with the same name. ((sigh)) I know I'm a Hargrove in my heart as well as on Paper (as far as LA county is concerned), but I'm ready to be Hargrove everywhere else too.
Speaking of SSC my dear husband wants me to look up where I need to go to apply for the new said card as we are planning to trying to get out to get the marriage license this Friday.
Until next time....which will hopefully be before another millenia has passed...
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I mean, I'm happy with Tom and I love him more than anything in the world. Other aspects of my life, however, aren't as 'peachy' (I guess you'd say). Work right now is one of the busiest times for me. I've been working 40 hour weeks (and am even getting a bit of overtime here and there), and even though it's nice having a nice paycheck...I'm not happy. I'm not happy with the situation. I've never been particularly in love with working at Target, and I'll admit that it bothers me that I'm the one working full time when in actuality I'd much rather be at home taking care of a family.
Which brings me to my next issue. Family. I miss mine so much that I think it might literally be driving me crazy. I mean...in Utah I have the most....wonderful mother that any person could ask for. I mean even with everything we've all done in order to help turn what hairs we can of hers from Brown to grey...she's always been there for her children. That's just the kind of person she is. A woman who from time to time asks me when she's going to get another grandchild. She DESERVES that....cuz she'd make one hell of an awesome grandmother....and....even working full time....I can't give her that.
On the other hand, here in California, I've got Tom's family who (no offense) all seem to have no ones interest at heart but their own. My mother in law actually went and (in 30 days time) spent over $400 from our checking account. (She's on the account and has her own card...but I won't go into all that now...I know it was stupid..this post isn't about that.) And then when Tom went to her and told her that she spent way to much and let her know that we were going to open a new account so that she couldn't just 'spend' OUR money...she had the nerve to tell him he was being an asshole. I mean...how can you even say that to your child? And then she starts going off on how the whole thing is MY fault because the only reason Tom's acting the way he is is being I 'don't like her'.
I just really, really hate the situation. I hate working full time at a job I don't like in order to just 'get by'. And I mean...that's not actually living in a house of our own (or even apartment for that matter) we can't even afford a freaking apartment! We could rent a 4 bedroom house back in Utah for probably the same a month as a ONE bedroom apartment costs here. And yes...I've looked it up, I'm not just blowing smoke out my pie hole.
I hate feeling so completely empty inside knowing that I was so close to being a mother and feeling so ready for it. To feeling so complete one moment and then to have it all ripped away. And not being able to afford to try again. I hate that I live around all these people who keep saying "don't you dare have another baby yet. That would be the stupidest thing you could do right now" When my mother was honest to God HEARTBROKEN when we found out I lost my child.
I hate knowing that this trip to Utah will likely be the last trip I make to the house my family is in because to me that's the one place I truly feel is 'home', and I can't stand the fact that it got to to the point where my Mom had to decide to sell.
And I think one of the things I hate the most is that all of these things inside me is keeping me from being the person that I know I can be and that I want to be. I want to be healthier, but I've never been less focused on it than I have as of late, and it bothers me cuz part of me just says "screw it. I don't really care anymore."
I'm just....I'm just so fucking pissed off right now. I'm pissed cuz yeah...I have Tom and like I said...I love him so much more than words can ever describe. I want the best for him. I want him to be able to play with his kids in the backyard and to have a family that supports him in whatever he does. A family who supports us.
I want to move back to Utah with my husband and I want to live the rest of our lives together without anyone holding us back.
And that's all I'm gonna say now cuz it's officially past the time I wanted to be getting to bed. And I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not only tired, but a bit cranky as well.
I just felt the sudden urge to vent, and this seemed like a good enough place...if you're at all offended by any of my language...well I'll apologize tomorrow cuz today...I really don't give a damn.
Which brings me to my next issue. Family. I miss mine so much that I think it might literally be driving me crazy. I mean...in Utah I have the most....wonderful mother that any person could ask for. I mean even with everything we've all done in order to help turn what hairs we can of hers from Brown to grey...she's always been there for her children. That's just the kind of person she is. A woman who from time to time asks me when she's going to get another grandchild. She DESERVES that....cuz she'd make one hell of an awesome grandmother....and....even working full time....I can't give her that.
On the other hand, here in California, I've got Tom's family who (no offense) all seem to have no ones interest at heart but their own. My mother in law actually went and (in 30 days time) spent over $400 from our checking account. (She's on the account and has her own card...but I won't go into all that now...I know it was stupid..this post isn't about that.) And then when Tom went to her and told her that she spent way to much and let her know that we were going to open a new account so that she couldn't just 'spend' OUR money...she had the nerve to tell him he was being an asshole. I mean...how can you even say that to your child? And then she starts going off on how the whole thing is MY fault because the only reason Tom's acting the way he is is being I 'don't like her'.
I just really, really hate the situation. I hate working full time at a job I don't like in order to just 'get by'. And I mean...that's not actually living in a house of our own (or even apartment for that matter) we can't even afford a freaking apartment! We could rent a 4 bedroom house back in Utah for probably the same a month as a ONE bedroom apartment costs here. And yes...I've looked it up, I'm not just blowing smoke out my pie hole.
I hate feeling so completely empty inside knowing that I was so close to being a mother and feeling so ready for it. To feeling so complete one moment and then to have it all ripped away. And not being able to afford to try again. I hate that I live around all these people who keep saying "don't you dare have another baby yet. That would be the stupidest thing you could do right now" When my mother was honest to God HEARTBROKEN when we found out I lost my child.
I hate knowing that this trip to Utah will likely be the last trip I make to the house my family is in because to me that's the one place I truly feel is 'home', and I can't stand the fact that it got to to the point where my Mom had to decide to sell.
And I think one of the things I hate the most is that all of these things inside me is keeping me from being the person that I know I can be and that I want to be. I want to be healthier, but I've never been less focused on it than I have as of late, and it bothers me cuz part of me just says "screw it. I don't really care anymore."
I'm just....I'm just so fucking pissed off right now. I'm pissed cuz yeah...I have Tom and like I said...I love him so much more than words can ever describe. I want the best for him. I want him to be able to play with his kids in the backyard and to have a family that supports him in whatever he does. A family who supports us.
I want to move back to Utah with my husband and I want to live the rest of our lives together without anyone holding us back.
And that's all I'm gonna say now cuz it's officially past the time I wanted to be getting to bed. And I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not only tired, but a bit cranky as well.
I just felt the sudden urge to vent, and this seemed like a good enough place...if you're at all offended by any of my language...well I'll apologize tomorrow cuz today...I really don't give a damn.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Frustrated...
I'm so sick and tired and Dawn and Rorie thinking that they just autimatically have free reign over our trailer and everything in it! So now I guess what happened was they decided to watch our new 'Avatar' blue-ray on Tom's PS3. Well, I guess Tom had his Final Fantasy 13 game IN the PS3, and they took it out and put it in the Avatar case...and then proceeded to LOSE said case WITH FF13 inside. Grrr...so we've completely turned the trailer upside down looking for it and can't find it anywhere. Yep...$60 right there. I'm slightly more than pissed.
And what's more is I was ALREADY irritated cuz I wanted to spend time with Tom and he wanted to play that stupid game...now I'm pissed cuz he can't play on account of we can't find the damn thing!
Grrr... I need to go eat something. Stress makes me hungry ::lightbulb:: hey wait a...... ;o)
And what's more is I was ALREADY irritated cuz I wanted to spend time with Tom and he wanted to play that stupid game...now I'm pissed cuz he can't play on account of we can't find the damn thing!
Grrr... I need to go eat something. Stress makes me hungry ::lightbulb:: hey wait a...... ;o)
Friday, April 30, 2010
Very emotional...but in a good way.
Okay first of all I just wanna say that I love both my family and my friends more than words could ever describe. I'll admit though that it's really hard being so far away from everyone...not just physically, but emotionally as well. I'd never want to step on toes, but I think Jess (at least) knows what I mean when I say that so far no one has quite been the same as a friend as what Julie was.
I have a friend from work named Heather. We used to talk occasionally, usually just a passing 'hey' and whatnot. Then something happened. There was a day at work that I could tell she just wasn't doing well, so I asked her if she was okay...as it had turned out she had just found out that she'd had a miscarraige. :o( I didn't know why but I felt like I should tell her about what happened with my son. So after that we talked some more, and some time later she ended up pregnant again. Well during her leave of absense from work I decided to look her up on myspace. Course now neither of us use that anymore and we're actually friends on facebook...but long story...well longer...
She's become a real best friend to me. She's not family. She's not Tom. And she's not someone back from highschool who probably would never talk to me if it wasn't for facebook...she's just my friend. She knows me right now. She just invited me to go with her and her kids to this car race that her son Jake is in. It's kind of like the pinewood derby that my brothers used to compete in during Scouts. I can't even describe how much that means to me, cuz she really does just randomly invite me to hang out...it's just nice to finally feel like...like I have a real best friend again. Cuz I haven't had that in a very long time...
p.s. her pregnacy after her miscarraige went just fine. Karli is over a year old now and I absolutely adore her more than just about anything. :o)
I have a friend from work named Heather. We used to talk occasionally, usually just a passing 'hey' and whatnot. Then something happened. There was a day at work that I could tell she just wasn't doing well, so I asked her if she was okay...as it had turned out she had just found out that she'd had a miscarraige. :o( I didn't know why but I felt like I should tell her about what happened with my son. So after that we talked some more, and some time later she ended up pregnant again. Well during her leave of absense from work I decided to look her up on myspace. Course now neither of us use that anymore and we're actually friends on facebook...but long story...well longer...
She's become a real best friend to me. She's not family. She's not Tom. And she's not someone back from highschool who probably would never talk to me if it wasn't for facebook...she's just my friend. She knows me right now. She just invited me to go with her and her kids to this car race that her son Jake is in. It's kind of like the pinewood derby that my brothers used to compete in during Scouts. I can't even describe how much that means to me, cuz she really does just randomly invite me to hang out...it's just nice to finally feel like...like I have a real best friend again. Cuz I haven't had that in a very long time...
p.s. her pregnacy after her miscarraige went just fine. Karli is over a year old now and I absolutely adore her more than just about anything. :o)
Monday, April 26, 2010
Daaaaaang....
I was in Ralph's (a grocery store) this morning, and I heard it announced over the intercom that the lottery right now has something like $178,000,000 jackpot. I woulda bought a ticket for the hell of it, but all I have in my purse are $10 bills, and the lotta machine in the store doesn't make change. Heheh! Maybe I'll buy one soon for fun. A buck isn't much and obviously in the EXTREMELY, BARELY THERE, WILL PROBABLY GET STRUCK BY LIGHTING FIRST off chance that that $1 suddenly becomes $178,000,000...well that's just about as close to awesome as you're gonna get!
Well, I've not got much more really to write about just now. Hopefully I'll write something again soon. And don't worry, if by some miracle I win the lottery (whenever that may or may not be) I won't forget the poor people. :-P
<3Monica
Well, I've not got much more really to write about just now. Hopefully I'll write something again soon. And don't worry, if by some miracle I win the lottery (whenever that may or may not be) I won't forget the poor people. :-P
<3Monica
Sunday, April 25, 2010
It's begining to feel a lot like Summer....
I'm thinking it might be close to time to finding a better place for my wallet/purse than the pocket of my jacket as it's starting to feel like I won't need to have that on my person where ever I go anymore. *sigh* Which means I'll probably have to either buy an actual purse to put it in...or buy a new wallet that's more convenient and can just fit into a regular pocket. :o( I hate spending money.
It seems to be exceptionally hot today...at least it seems to be for how hot it has gotten so far this year. Yeah, it definitely seems like summer is finally hitting, and sadly I don't think I'd touch this parks pool with a 10 foot poll. O.o
I don't like all this heat. It makes me frustrated. Well, I'm already frustrated with things, but the heat makes it worse. Sad thing is the heat also makes Tom's mom more frustrated, which in turn makes her all the more frustrating. It's a vicious cycle. One I wish I could just skip. Too bad life can't be that simple, eh? I mean, I know it really CAN be that simple, but only to an extent. I mean yeah Tom and I could just say "We can't take this anymore!" and move our happy selves away from my one day in laws, but then there'd be the issue of "Where the hell do we go?" and "Okay cool..now we gotta find new jobs so that we don't have to live on the street!" Good times! Good times! Granted, moving back to Utah is always an option and I'm sure that if we ever decided to go that rout that my loving Mother would find some way to fit us into the packed Hurricane house, but I really don't think moving in with a lot of people is what I need right now. I don't want to hurt peoples feelings by any means, but I think Tom and I need a chance to just be on our own for a little while. While we're not technically married yet I do consider him like a husband to me and the fact that we've had his sister and mom connected (by their choice, not ours) to our hip...well it's hard to explain. I'd not be against moving back to Hurricane if we could manage it, but I'd want to be able to just move into our own place. Nothing against all my family there, in fact I'd be hurt if my wonderful sisters didn't come over often. It would just be nice on the occasion that Tom and I just want some us time that we could say "Maybe tomorrow would be better" or even "in a few hours". Just so we can have some 'us time'.
I'm not sure why I ever write here anymore. I really don't think anyone ever reads. Jess might on occasion I guess but since she doesn't respond I have no way of knowing...Also I know that all I tend to do here is complain about whatever is bothering me that particular day and it's usually the same stuff. LoL!
I do have one thing to mention that I am quite pleased about. Diet Cherry Dr Pepper. I'm telling you it's God's gift to me as apology for just about everything else sucking right now. ^_^ It's definitely gotta be my favorite Diet 'cherry' flavored soda. Which probably isn't a good thing cuz on a night off I kid you not I can down a whole 2-liter. 0_o
And now I must bid you farewell. I have to make myself go to bed soon, and I'm hoping I can fall asleep as I've only been awake for about 12 hours. Farewell!
~Monica
It seems to be exceptionally hot today...at least it seems to be for how hot it has gotten so far this year. Yeah, it definitely seems like summer is finally hitting, and sadly I don't think I'd touch this parks pool with a 10 foot poll. O.o
I don't like all this heat. It makes me frustrated. Well, I'm already frustrated with things, but the heat makes it worse. Sad thing is the heat also makes Tom's mom more frustrated, which in turn makes her all the more frustrating. It's a vicious cycle. One I wish I could just skip. Too bad life can't be that simple, eh? I mean, I know it really CAN be that simple, but only to an extent. I mean yeah Tom and I could just say "We can't take this anymore!" and move our happy selves away from my one day in laws, but then there'd be the issue of "Where the hell do we go?" and "Okay cool..now we gotta find new jobs so that we don't have to live on the street!" Good times! Good times! Granted, moving back to Utah is always an option and I'm sure that if we ever decided to go that rout that my loving Mother would find some way to fit us into the packed Hurricane house, but I really don't think moving in with a lot of people is what I need right now. I don't want to hurt peoples feelings by any means, but I think Tom and I need a chance to just be on our own for a little while. While we're not technically married yet I do consider him like a husband to me and the fact that we've had his sister and mom connected (by their choice, not ours) to our hip...well it's hard to explain. I'd not be against moving back to Hurricane if we could manage it, but I'd want to be able to just move into our own place. Nothing against all my family there, in fact I'd be hurt if my wonderful sisters didn't come over often. It would just be nice on the occasion that Tom and I just want some us time that we could say "Maybe tomorrow would be better" or even "in a few hours". Just so we can have some 'us time'.
I'm not sure why I ever write here anymore. I really don't think anyone ever reads. Jess might on occasion I guess but since she doesn't respond I have no way of knowing...Also I know that all I tend to do here is complain about whatever is bothering me that particular day and it's usually the same stuff. LoL!
I do have one thing to mention that I am quite pleased about. Diet Cherry Dr Pepper. I'm telling you it's God's gift to me as apology for just about everything else sucking right now. ^_^ It's definitely gotta be my favorite Diet 'cherry' flavored soda. Which probably isn't a good thing cuz on a night off I kid you not I can down a whole 2-liter. 0_o
And now I must bid you farewell. I have to make myself go to bed soon, and I'm hoping I can fall asleep as I've only been awake for about 12 hours. Farewell!
~Monica
Thursday, April 8, 2010
04-08-10
It's been a while. I guess I've just been too busy with work or too downright exhausted from said work to take the time to write. I've decided that today is as good a day as any to jot something down though...so here I am!
I still have 2 nights of work left this week and I already feel like I'm going to drop. It doesn't help that plano's schedule was thrown off a day this week and goes back to the norm next week. Meaning? That I only get a 1 day weekend after a 40 hour week and then I have to jump right back in for another 40 hour week. What I wouldn't give to be able to be a stay at home wife and mother. Hell....what I wouldn't give to be a wife and mother period! I mean, I know some women feel a need to be out in the work force and wearing their own pants, not letting a man take care of them, so to speak... I am not one of those women. Teach to to cook and sew and let me see to things at home during the day and I think I could be quite content. Too bad Tom's job is no better than mine and he works less hours to boot. So since I'm pretty much the bigger money maker my default right now I guess (at least for now) that's how it's gonna be. *sigh*
So right now I'm just waiting for Tom to finish up whatever he's doing over at his computer so that we can go to bed. I know I'm always waiting on Tom to go to bed and I know that I could just head on in without him. I just like going to bed with him better than without him. :o) He's like my special teddy bear and I don't fall asleep as easily without him there.
Well maybe I'll go and see if I can convince him that it's that time. We have to get up this evening to go to Grandma's house for showers before work and I know the alarm is going to go off all too soon. Much love and peace.
Monica
I still have 2 nights of work left this week and I already feel like I'm going to drop. It doesn't help that plano's schedule was thrown off a day this week and goes back to the norm next week. Meaning? That I only get a 1 day weekend after a 40 hour week and then I have to jump right back in for another 40 hour week. What I wouldn't give to be able to be a stay at home wife and mother. Hell....what I wouldn't give to be a wife and mother period! I mean, I know some women feel a need to be out in the work force and wearing their own pants, not letting a man take care of them, so to speak... I am not one of those women. Teach to to cook and sew and let me see to things at home during the day and I think I could be quite content. Too bad Tom's job is no better than mine and he works less hours to boot. So since I'm pretty much the bigger money maker my default right now I guess (at least for now) that's how it's gonna be. *sigh*
So right now I'm just waiting for Tom to finish up whatever he's doing over at his computer so that we can go to bed. I know I'm always waiting on Tom to go to bed and I know that I could just head on in without him. I just like going to bed with him better than without him. :o) He's like my special teddy bear and I don't fall asleep as easily without him there.
Well maybe I'll go and see if I can convince him that it's that time. We have to get up this evening to go to Grandma's house for showers before work and I know the alarm is going to go off all too soon. Much love and peace.
Monica
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