I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I mean, I'm happy with Tom and I love him more than anything in the world. Other aspects of my life, however, aren't as 'peachy' (I guess you'd say). Work right now is one of the busiest times for me. I've been working 40 hour weeks (and am even getting a bit of overtime here and there), and even though it's nice having a nice paycheck...I'm not happy. I'm not happy with the situation. I've never been particularly in love with working at Target, and I'll admit that it bothers me that I'm the one working full time when in actuality I'd much rather be at home taking care of a family.

Which brings me to my next issue. Family. I miss mine so much that I think it might literally be driving me crazy. I mean...in Utah I have the most....wonderful mother that any person could ask for. I mean even with everything we've all done in order to help turn what hairs we can of hers from Brown to grey...she's always been there for her children. That's just the kind of person she is. A woman who from time to time asks me when she's going to get another grandchild. She DESERVES that....cuz she'd make one hell of an awesome grandmother....and....even working full time....I can't give her that.

On the other hand, here in California, I've got Tom's family who (no offense) all seem to have no ones interest at heart but their own. My mother in law actually went and (in 30 days time) spent over $400 from our checking account. (She's on the account and has her own card...but I won't go into all that now...I know it was stupid..this post isn't about that.) And then when Tom went to her and told her that she spent way to much and let her know that we were going to open a new account so that she couldn't just 'spend' OUR money...she had the nerve to tell him he was being an asshole. I mean...how can you even say that to your child? And then she starts going off on how the whole thing is MY fault because the only reason Tom's acting the way he is is being I 'don't like her'.

I just really, really hate the situation. I hate working full time at a job I don't like in order to just 'get by'. And I mean...that's not actually living in a house of our own (or even apartment for that matter) we can't even afford a freaking apartment! We could rent a 4 bedroom house back in Utah for probably the same a month as a ONE bedroom apartment costs here. And yes...I've looked it up, I'm not just blowing smoke out my pie hole.
I hate feeling so completely empty inside knowing that I was so close to being a mother and feeling so ready for it. To feeling so complete one moment and then to have it all ripped away. And not being able to afford to try again. I hate that I live around all these people who keep saying "don't you dare have another baby yet. That would be the stupidest thing you could do right now" When my mother was honest to God HEARTBROKEN when we found out I lost my child.

I hate knowing that this trip to Utah will likely be the last trip I make to the house my family is in because to me that's the one place I truly feel is 'home', and I can't stand the fact that it got to to the point where my Mom had to decide to sell.

And I think one of the things I hate the most is that all of these things inside me is keeping me from being the person that I know I can be and that I want to be. I want to be healthier, but I've never been less focused on it than I have as of late, and it bothers me cuz part of me just says "screw it. I don't really care anymore."

I'm just....I'm just so fucking pissed off right now. I'm pissed cuz yeah...I have Tom and like I said...I love him so much more than words can ever describe. I want the best for him. I want him to be able to play with his kids in the backyard and to have a family that supports him in whatever he does. A family who supports us.

I want to move back to Utah with my husband and I want to live the rest of our lives together without anyone holding us back.

And that's all I'm gonna say now cuz it's officially past the time I wanted to be getting to bed. And I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not only tired, but a bit cranky as well.

I just felt the sudden urge to vent, and this seemed like a good enough place...if you're at all offended by any of my language...well I'll apologize tomorrow cuz today...I really don't give a damn.