I gotta say though it's so frustrating for me and right this moment I want to do it and I feel like I can be motivated to do it...but at the same time I really feel like I'm having to go this alone and that alone I think could end up being my biggest downfall. Tom and I have talked before about both wanting to lose weight and he's said that I might have to push him to get him going. But today when I was finally feeling ready to actually get out and bust ass, he just shrugged and kinda did that "I dunno...." look that those men babies do.
So I went outside alone and all I did really was a few exercises that I could remember from P.E. (and that cool kick thing from my Dad's Tae-Bo tapes), then I took a walk (brisk, but no running) just all around the trailer park and I won't lie when I say I hurt like complete hell! I wasn't outside for maybe about 15 minutes total (and I stopped for a breather a couple times during the walk). I just have a hard time picturing myself being able to expect more than that from myself. And I'm so scared that if I can't get Tom to really want this as much as I do, that I'm going to fail and I know it's selfish of me to say that if I can't do it that it's because he wouldn't do it with me. So, what kind of person does that make me? But at the same time, I really AM scared that if I don't have someone doing this with me that I am going to give up. *sigh*
I just want to be healthier. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not seriously wonder what the hell it is that Tom sees in me. I want to look in the mirror and be able to say "Yessiree Bob, that Tom is one lucky son of a bitch." But it's not like that right now. I'm embarrassed of what I look like. I was embarrassed to be at the beach with my sister and I thought she looked so good in her 2 piece suit (after just having a miscarriage no less) and I felt fat in my one piece! I had all my fat hidden behind my swim suit and I was still hoping that no one there decided that they were going to pay us any attention!
Point is that I'm not happy, and if anyone has any tips or can tell me how you got past this point I'm at now...I could really use it.
2 comments:
There is a new you inside of you somewhere. I've had a bit of trouble keeping on track myself. It can be tough when no one else around is on the bandwagon with you. Hang tough and keep it up. I'm cheering you on everyday! Remember to eat healthy and exercise, doing just one or the other won't be enough in the long run, you've got to do both. I love you!
Okay.. my two sense... the first step you need to take is STOP BITCHING ABOUT IT!! For reals... bitching will not help you lose weight and hating yourself for not being your ideal weight DOES NOT motivate... it actually hinders your desire to just DO IT because you don't value yourself enough to put the effort into it. Who cares if you go it alone? You are doing this for YOURSELF anyway. I've been this with a husband who buys as much junk food as possible and eats everything as slow and "ooh this is so good" as possible just to mess with my head. But it doesn't work because I have FINALLY DECIDED to lose the weight and nothing is going to stop me. When you get to the point where you have decided there is no stopping you.. it will happen. ALSO... exercise is NOT as important as diet. Seriously.. weight loss is 10% exercise and 90% what you put in your mouth. A great idea would be calorie counting. Go to a website like www.livestrong.com and find out how many calories you should be eating to lose 2 lbs a week and then stick to it. ANYONE can lose weight. You have to want it. And INSIST on DOING IT!!! I love you! I will help you any way I can.
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