Stressed. Money. Stressed. Grr...

*sigh* Been very aware lately of our financial state. As in...we don't have enough of the financials. I mean we are getting by (which I guess is really the most important thing), but it's literally month to month and after food and bills we have really nothing left. Granted WoW is something that could be given up, but really that wouldn't make a huge difference either.

I've been trying to look for things that I could maybe do at home to make a few extra bucks, and of course everything I've seen is obvious bs that has some outrageous sign up fee of no less than $50. No thank you. I know I'm not going to find work online, but sometimes it's nice to look. Like when you go to a store and can't help but try on that really sexy black dress even though you know you can't afford to buy. Well, sort of...

I also keep thinking that I should maybe try to get a second job during the day. It would definitely have to just be something part time cuz there's no way I could handle working 2 full time jobs. If only...I'm sure that would help out with Money Matters in a huuuuge way.

So yeah...we looked at our online bank account this morning and it was at about -$26. So yeah...I think that's what's got me all hot n bothered right now. The need for making better money than we are though has been something that's been on my mind for some time.

Of course probably the biggest issue is that I'm sure there'd be plenty (or some at least) jobs I could get where'd I'd feel better off financially, and no doubt they all require some sort of college degree. The problem there is even with how little we seem to make it still seems like we probably make too much for either Tom or I to qualify for a grant. And we CAN'T afford to actually pay for even one of us to go to college. Grr at me for not doing better in highschool and getting some sort of....oh snap...I can't even think of the term right now. It'll come to me later I'm sure but ya'll know what I'm talking about (I hope).

Course not much sense in worrying about all this too much right this second I guess. I have to be up in about 6 hours cuz we have to go to Grandma's tonight to take showers. Curse having a water heater that doesn't work (not that the water pressure was any good I guess). I really really kid you not when I say that Tom's Mom is crazy for wanting to live in a trailer for the rest of her life. I definitely want to live in a house one day. Sooner would be better, but before that I need to remedy the situation I've just posted on...

Frustrated. Can there be a new me?

Okay, so I've been thinking for some time now (especially with people like Jess & Karilynn both working so hard to change themselves) that I want to try to jump on the band wagon myself and really finally make that lifestyle choice to look better and be healthier. Now your whole life whenever you say the stuff like "Oh, yeah, I think I need to lose weight" a lot of the times anyone who is (or ever has been) bigger than what you are say things like "Oh you look fine...look at me!" I don't even wanna hear that from anybody, cuz the fact is that I'm 5'6" (roughly) at (currently) 160lbs. and I barely have enough energy to make it thru my work week, and sometimes I can't make it thru the work week. I'm am happy that in the last month and a half (give or take) I lost about 10 pounds because I've had a sudden loss of appetite and have been eating less. However the last time I actually checked my weight and realized that then I'd only lost another pound, that was when my brain said, "Okay, eatin' less is only gonna take you so far...now you gotta do your part too."

I gotta say though it's so frustrating for me  and right this moment I want to do it and I feel like I can be motivated to do it...but at the same time I really feel like I'm having to go this alone and that alone I think could end up being my biggest downfall. Tom and I have talked before about both wanting to lose weight and he's said that I might have to push him to get him going. But today when I was finally feeling ready to actually get out and bust ass, he just shrugged and kinda did that "I dunno...." look that those men babies do.

So I went outside alone and all I did really was a few exercises that I could remember from P.E. (and that cool kick thing from my Dad's Tae-Bo tapes), then I took a walk (brisk, but no running) just all around the trailer park and I won't lie when I say I hurt like complete hell! I wasn't outside for maybe about 15 minutes total (and I stopped for a breather a couple times during the walk). I just have a hard time picturing myself being able to expect more than that from myself. And I'm so scared that if I can't get Tom to really want this as much as I do, that I'm going to fail and I know it's selfish of me to say that if I can't do it that it's because he wouldn't do it with me. So, what kind of person does that make me? But at the same time, I really AM scared that if I don't have someone doing this with me that I am going to give up. *sigh*

I just want to be healthier. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not seriously wonder what the hell it is that Tom sees in me. I want to look in the mirror and be able to say "Yessiree Bob, that Tom is one lucky son of a bitch." But it's not like that right now. I'm embarrassed of what I look like. I was embarrassed to be at the beach with my sister and I thought she looked so good in her 2 piece suit (after just having a miscarriage no less) and I felt fat in my one piece! I had all my fat hidden behind my swim suit and I was still hoping that no one there decided that they were going to pay us any attention!

Point is that I'm not happy, and if anyone has any tips or can tell me how you got past this point I'm at now...I could really use it.

Ladidadidaaaaahhhh

So, it's occured to me that the very people who pushed me so hard to start writting on this blogging site seem to now use the site less than I do. ^_^ Curse that facebook for taking away all my interesting blogger.com material. LoL! So, I think that my patience is getting stronger. I'm finding that I'm not getting as irritated with people. Well, I am, but for some reason the irritation isn't bothering me as much. Probably cuz I'm more focused on the fact that I have to leave for work in about 3 hours...*checks clock on computer* make that about 2 1/2 hours. *sigh* I only work three days this week and I'm off early every night, but I still have that "It's only Monday morning" feeling goin' on....you know that one where you just know for a fact that Friday is only a myth that you'll never actually see? And it doesn't help that my sleeping schedule got way out of wack over the weekend so I've been awake since about noon today and I won't even get home till between 6:30 and 7 tomorrow morning. Gonna be hella tired.

I've been feeling really cooped up being at home lately. I dunno it just seems like doing the same old things on the computer are getting well...old. I didn't even get 1/2 way through my dailies today and was like "Yeah, okay...break time!" logged off WoW and watched a few shows on Hulu. Gotta love Hulu. I love watching the biggest loser...I have to be careful and not scroll down far enough to see clips of the show though cuz they post clips from episodes that haven't been posted yet...found out about someone getting voted off becuz of it. *cries* I still watched the episode when it came on the site though. I love that show...probably one of my favorites right now honestly. But I hate Ron. If you watch it you KNOW what I'm talking about. And if you like Ron...wtf??

Okay I'm going to go try to find something to do for a while before I need to start getting ready to go. ^_^

Hello people. I just wanted to get in a quick entry before I go to bed (since I'm already up way too late anyway). Not too much to really update, but I always seem to go forever without a word here so I figure something small is still better than nothing. I didn't go into work last night because I've been feeling kind of sick lately, and to top it off I twisted my arm yesterday and it was still hurting pretty badly when I woke up. It's better now, my shoulder hurts though when I move my arm (so I'm tending to not move it so much...but still moving it some to keep it from getting sore from plain stiffness). Erg..not much fun there. So it's a little after 4 now and I'm not in bed yet bcuz I've only actually been awake for about 12 hours. I think I'm going to try to get to sleep soon though cuz I'm going to try to go into work tonight which means I have to be getting up in about 5 hours. *sigh* I'm definitely looking foward to having a 3 day weekend. Maybe I'll shock myself and actually get something done around here instead of being my usual lazy self. *sigh again* One day I'll change, I promise. I'll keep the trailer clean and hell one day maybe I'll even stop making Tom do all the cooking. (Yeah, the second part not so likely...I really hate to cook.) Maybe I'll just spend my whole weekend cleaning and then if I can keep up with the chores for a while I'll let Tom take me out on a date as a reward. ^_^ Hah! It's just too bad that when the weekend comes I won't likely have this same motivation running through me. LoL!
Okay, time for sleep!

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I'm not sure why I came to this site. I'm way too tired to even try to think of what to write about, but I thought I'd stop by anyway (probably just because I haven't in a while). Ack...my keyboard is starting to stick. Not good. I need sleep...off to bed then. Until next time (when hopefully I'm feeling a little more lively).

~

No special font, no special color. Just me trying to waste a few minutes while I wait for Tom to finish whatever he's doing so we can head to bed. A bit of news that I forgot to mention when I posted the other day. Tom and I have actually started talking more seriously again about wanting (and needing) to finally buckle down and get ourselves married. So pending that we can get just a bit of money saved up (meaning really if things don't get worse than now..hopefully) then we're thinking we might like to actually tie the knot in the next couple to few months. For obvious (I think) reasons we're planning something small. We'll get married in Las Vegas with really only our immediate families there (that's no offense to anyone who might want to be there...it's just that places that we think we can afford to go don't accomidate for that many people). So, it's not going to be the big wedding that I think we were both hoping for, but I think that after so many years of waiting for some money miracle to happen that we've both just decided that it's not worth it or even fair to either one of us to continue this way. =) So, I'm pretty excited about that.
Tom and I did have a...well, we'll call it an unpleasantry, last night, which I'm sorry I won't go into. It involved a lot of yelling and screaming and throwing of the car keys and me driving (with Dawn now instead of Tom) to pick up dinner at pizza hutt and the poor woman had to sit there listening to me bitch about how her son was being an ass. (For the record: She was a real trooper and with not having my own mother and sisters last night...I was so grateful to have her with me.) When we got back I wasn't really sure what to do at first so I didn't say anything to Tom (cuz I was like really, really mad) and within a few minutes of being home Tom asked me over to him and gave me a kiss and then he just held me and he said, "I'm so sorry I blew up at you...there was no reason for it, and I'm so sorry" And my insides just about did a back flip while turning inside out and twisting. I started crying cuz I just couldn't help myself. In the 8+ years that Tom and I have been a couple...through everything Tom has never once been the first to apologize after a fight. He's always been 'the winner (or loser depending on your view)' as far as the stubborness goes.... Until last night. When he told me he was sorry and I could tell from his voice that it was sincere and that he finally after all this time let his wall go down just to keep me from hurting....it meant more to me than I could have ever thought possible. I don't even think he realizes how much and that just makes me love him all the more cuz I know Tom better than he probably knows himself, and to stand up like that and openly admit that he was wrong...it couldn't have been an easy thing for him to do.
So now I'm just waiting for Tom to be ready for bed cuz I had to go to work shortly after everything went down last night and to be honest I'm dying to be back in his arms again and getting back to that feeling of being safe and protected. So I think I will push him along and call the entry here. I thank anyone, sincerely and from the bottom of my heart, who read this, and if no one does I know it's still good to get these things off my chest. After all...that's what journals are for. Peace and Love.

Say what??

Yeah, no particular point to the title...I just honestly couldn't think of anything else and didn't feel like leaving it blank. So bleh! =P Basically I have about an hour to kill before I need to be heading out the door for work so I'm just killing time. I'm on a shorter schedule this week again. 4 days 11 to 6 each day. So while I wish it was more hours (or rather that Tom was getting more hours cuz I kinda like working only 4 days) I am happy that I'll be home early (unless they ask us to stay late for whatever reason). I work tonight and tomorrow, have Tuesday night off (which is Tom's first night working), then I work Wednesday night (with Tom), and last night is Thursday (alone). Yep, Tom's only on 2 days still. Our trucks have been picking up though so they said maybe around 1/2 way through this month or so that people could possibly start picking up more hours again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that's for sure. Hmm...blah, okay I'm done now. I have nothing more worth saying. 0_0