Frustrated. Can there be a new me?

Okay, so I've been thinking for some time now (especially with people like Jess & Karilynn both working so hard to change themselves) that I want to try to jump on the band wagon myself and really finally make that lifestyle choice to look better and be healthier. Now your whole life whenever you say the stuff like "Oh, yeah, I think I need to lose weight" a lot of the times anyone who is (or ever has been) bigger than what you are say things like "Oh you look fine...look at me!" I don't even wanna hear that from anybody, cuz the fact is that I'm 5'6" (roughly) at (currently) 160lbs. and I barely have enough energy to make it thru my work week, and sometimes I can't make it thru the work week. I'm am happy that in the last month and a half (give or take) I lost about 10 pounds because I've had a sudden loss of appetite and have been eating less. However the last time I actually checked my weight and realized that then I'd only lost another pound, that was when my brain said, "Okay, eatin' less is only gonna take you so far...now you gotta do your part too."

I gotta say though it's so frustrating for me  and right this moment I want to do it and I feel like I can be motivated to do it...but at the same time I really feel like I'm having to go this alone and that alone I think could end up being my biggest downfall. Tom and I have talked before about both wanting to lose weight and he's said that I might have to push him to get him going. But today when I was finally feeling ready to actually get out and bust ass, he just shrugged and kinda did that "I dunno...." look that those men babies do.

So I went outside alone and all I did really was a few exercises that I could remember from P.E. (and that cool kick thing from my Dad's Tae-Bo tapes), then I took a walk (brisk, but no running) just all around the trailer park and I won't lie when I say I hurt like complete hell! I wasn't outside for maybe about 15 minutes total (and I stopped for a breather a couple times during the walk). I just have a hard time picturing myself being able to expect more than that from myself. And I'm so scared that if I can't get Tom to really want this as much as I do, that I'm going to fail and I know it's selfish of me to say that if I can't do it that it's because he wouldn't do it with me. So, what kind of person does that make me? But at the same time, I really AM scared that if I don't have someone doing this with me that I am going to give up. *sigh*

I just want to be healthier. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not seriously wonder what the hell it is that Tom sees in me. I want to look in the mirror and be able to say "Yessiree Bob, that Tom is one lucky son of a bitch." But it's not like that right now. I'm embarrassed of what I look like. I was embarrassed to be at the beach with my sister and I thought she looked so good in her 2 piece suit (after just having a miscarriage no less) and I felt fat in my one piece! I had all my fat hidden behind my swim suit and I was still hoping that no one there decided that they were going to pay us any attention!

Point is that I'm not happy, and if anyone has any tips or can tell me how you got past this point I'm at now...I could really use it.

Ladidadidaaaaahhhh

So, it's occured to me that the very people who pushed me so hard to start writting on this blogging site seem to now use the site less than I do. ^_^ Curse that facebook for taking away all my interesting blogger.com material. LoL! So, I think that my patience is getting stronger. I'm finding that I'm not getting as irritated with people. Well, I am, but for some reason the irritation isn't bothering me as much. Probably cuz I'm more focused on the fact that I have to leave for work in about 3 hours...*checks clock on computer* make that about 2 1/2 hours. *sigh* I only work three days this week and I'm off early every night, but I still have that "It's only Monday morning" feeling goin' on....you know that one where you just know for a fact that Friday is only a myth that you'll never actually see? And it doesn't help that my sleeping schedule got way out of wack over the weekend so I've been awake since about noon today and I won't even get home till between 6:30 and 7 tomorrow morning. Gonna be hella tired.

I've been feeling really cooped up being at home lately. I dunno it just seems like doing the same old things on the computer are getting well...old. I didn't even get 1/2 way through my dailies today and was like "Yeah, okay...break time!" logged off WoW and watched a few shows on Hulu. Gotta love Hulu. I love watching the biggest loser...I have to be careful and not scroll down far enough to see clips of the show though cuz they post clips from episodes that haven't been posted yet...found out about someone getting voted off becuz of it. *cries* I still watched the episode when it came on the site though. I love that show...probably one of my favorites right now honestly. But I hate Ron. If you watch it you KNOW what I'm talking about. And if you like Ron...wtf??

Okay I'm going to go try to find something to do for a while before I need to start getting ready to go. ^_^

Hello people. I just wanted to get in a quick entry before I go to bed (since I'm already up way too late anyway). Not too much to really update, but I always seem to go forever without a word here so I figure something small is still better than nothing. I didn't go into work last night because I've been feeling kind of sick lately, and to top it off I twisted my arm yesterday and it was still hurting pretty badly when I woke up. It's better now, my shoulder hurts though when I move my arm (so I'm tending to not move it so much...but still moving it some to keep it from getting sore from plain stiffness). Erg..not much fun there. So it's a little after 4 now and I'm not in bed yet bcuz I've only actually been awake for about 12 hours. I think I'm going to try to get to sleep soon though cuz I'm going to try to go into work tonight which means I have to be getting up in about 5 hours. *sigh* I'm definitely looking foward to having a 3 day weekend. Maybe I'll shock myself and actually get something done around here instead of being my usual lazy self. *sigh again* One day I'll change, I promise. I'll keep the trailer clean and hell one day maybe I'll even stop making Tom do all the cooking. (Yeah, the second part not so likely...I really hate to cook.) Maybe I'll just spend my whole weekend cleaning and then if I can keep up with the chores for a while I'll let Tom take me out on a date as a reward. ^_^ Hah! It's just too bad that when the weekend comes I won't likely have this same motivation running through me. LoL!
Okay, time for sleep!

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I'm not sure why I came to this site. I'm way too tired to even try to think of what to write about, but I thought I'd stop by anyway (probably just because I haven't in a while). Ack...my keyboard is starting to stick. Not good. I need sleep...off to bed then. Until next time (when hopefully I'm feeling a little more lively).

~

No special font, no special color. Just me trying to waste a few minutes while I wait for Tom to finish whatever he's doing so we can head to bed. A bit of news that I forgot to mention when I posted the other day. Tom and I have actually started talking more seriously again about wanting (and needing) to finally buckle down and get ourselves married. So pending that we can get just a bit of money saved up (meaning really if things don't get worse than now..hopefully) then we're thinking we might like to actually tie the knot in the next couple to few months. For obvious (I think) reasons we're planning something small. We'll get married in Las Vegas with really only our immediate families there (that's no offense to anyone who might want to be there...it's just that places that we think we can afford to go don't accomidate for that many people). So, it's not going to be the big wedding that I think we were both hoping for, but I think that after so many years of waiting for some money miracle to happen that we've both just decided that it's not worth it or even fair to either one of us to continue this way. =) So, I'm pretty excited about that.
Tom and I did have a...well, we'll call it an unpleasantry, last night, which I'm sorry I won't go into. It involved a lot of yelling and screaming and throwing of the car keys and me driving (with Dawn now instead of Tom) to pick up dinner at pizza hutt and the poor woman had to sit there listening to me bitch about how her son was being an ass. (For the record: She was a real trooper and with not having my own mother and sisters last night...I was so grateful to have her with me.) When we got back I wasn't really sure what to do at first so I didn't say anything to Tom (cuz I was like really, really mad) and within a few minutes of being home Tom asked me over to him and gave me a kiss and then he just held me and he said, "I'm so sorry I blew up at you...there was no reason for it, and I'm so sorry" And my insides just about did a back flip while turning inside out and twisting. I started crying cuz I just couldn't help myself. In the 8+ years that Tom and I have been a couple...through everything Tom has never once been the first to apologize after a fight. He's always been 'the winner (or loser depending on your view)' as far as the stubborness goes.... Until last night. When he told me he was sorry and I could tell from his voice that it was sincere and that he finally after all this time let his wall go down just to keep me from hurting....it meant more to me than I could have ever thought possible. I don't even think he realizes how much and that just makes me love him all the more cuz I know Tom better than he probably knows himself, and to stand up like that and openly admit that he was wrong...it couldn't have been an easy thing for him to do.
So now I'm just waiting for Tom to be ready for bed cuz I had to go to work shortly after everything went down last night and to be honest I'm dying to be back in his arms again and getting back to that feeling of being safe and protected. So I think I will push him along and call the entry here. I thank anyone, sincerely and from the bottom of my heart, who read this, and if no one does I know it's still good to get these things off my chest. After all...that's what journals are for. Peace and Love.

Say what??

Yeah, no particular point to the title...I just honestly couldn't think of anything else and didn't feel like leaving it blank. So bleh! =P Basically I have about an hour to kill before I need to be heading out the door for work so I'm just killing time. I'm on a shorter schedule this week again. 4 days 11 to 6 each day. So while I wish it was more hours (or rather that Tom was getting more hours cuz I kinda like working only 4 days) I am happy that I'll be home early (unless they ask us to stay late for whatever reason). I work tonight and tomorrow, have Tuesday night off (which is Tom's first night working), then I work Wednesday night (with Tom), and last night is Thursday (alone). Yep, Tom's only on 2 days still. Our trucks have been picking up though so they said maybe around 1/2 way through this month or so that people could possibly start picking up more hours again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that's for sure. Hmm...blah, okay I'm done now. I have nothing more worth saying. 0_0

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Yeah, what can I say? It's been about a million and two years since I've even been on this site. Well, to be honest I'd think anyone reading would probably get tired of reading the same old thing day after day and honestly not much has changed. Work hasn't been too bad as far as hours go. For me at least. While right now I seem to be getting 40 hours about every other week at least, Tom's still only working a couple days. I'm hoping like you wouldn't believe that his hours pick up soon cuz this just sucks having to be so careful with our money.
So right now I'm just being lazy on the computer. Doing some myspace/facebook hopping and waiting for my water heater to finish heating up so that I can take a shower for work tonight. ^_^ I work 3 nights this week so I'm hoping that I can take advantage of have those few extra days off to get some serious work done around the house.
So I just found out today that one of my good friends (and one of Tom's best friends from his childhood) is 5 weeks pregnant. That along with the fact that a friend from work just had a baby has done more than enough for causing my want for a baby to sky rocket. Well, we'll just see how and where things go I guess. I mean it's really not like I can force Tom to have a child if he doesn't think it's the best idea right now (and really logically it's probably not with the current economy status), and of course I don't plan on leaving him just becuz he won't have a kid right now. It's still pretty hard though. Maybe if I hadn't already gone through a pregnancy it wouldn't be so bad.
Yeah, I'm blabbing like a blabber now and no one likes a blabber so I'm gonna go. ^_^ PEACE

Slowing down...not a good thing. ((sigh))

Well, work is going to be slowing down for probably a while as of now (for me...sadly already has for Tom). He's been scheduled only a couple days a week for a couple weeks now and up till now I've still had full time hours. Next week though I'm down to 4 days and have over 10 hours cut from the week. The following week Tom and I both only have 2 days. I work that Sunday and Monday and he works Tuesday and Wednesday. So it's not even like they could at least be nice to us by helping us save on gas money...they are still making drive the car all the way in to town over a duration of 4 days. ((sigh)) How troublesome... -_-
Thinking about it...it might have been better to wait to do our Utah trip until this time that we wouldn't be missing out of work hours anyway since we don't have them to begin with. Eh, no use crying over burnt toast. Besides, I had a great time in Utah (other than the whole 'getting sick' ordeal...)! ^_^ I just wish we could go more often.
Tom made pitas for lunch today and they were scrum-diddly-umptious! Okay yeah....it's almost 2. I seriously need to go to bed.
We're planning on going to Tom's grandma's tomorrow evening for dinner and to watch a movie with her. We were trying to decide between tonight and tomorrow....but with how late we're getting to bed....yeah...tonight isn't going to happen. lol
KK, my eyeballs are startin' to get that hazy feeling so I'm going to go take out my contacts which mean...yep...bedtime. G'night all....or I guess for you guys it would be G'day! ((yeah, tired))...

Home

Well, we got home from Utah this morning. I'm not sure what time it was cuz I was so out of it, but I do remember 2 dogs here that we all sorts of excited to see us. =) Lilac stayed true to form and slept in on the bed with Tom and me today. Dang, that little dog sure does love down. LoL. She's curled up in a ball right by my leg on my down comforter as we speak. (I have my lappy sitting on my bed. Comfy!) So, I miss Utah (of course) but part of me is happy to be back in my little trailer. I'm not at all excited about going back to work, but life is life and we still gotta live it, right? So I'm just chillaxin her on my bed with lappy, listenin' to some youtube toons and posting this blog. ^_^ Yeah, at the moment life is good. Maybe I'll watch some tv on hulu or something tonight. ((shrugs))

Also I've been thinking about starting a weight loss journal like my sister and cousin both have, but I haven't decided for sure. I don't think I have to lose a lot of weight, but I do know that I am at least a little overweight. So we'll have to see. Well, I'm out for now.

24 hours!

Well, we will be in Hurricane Utah in hopefully about 24 hours from now. Yay! I finally made it through the work week and now I just have to make it through the rest of today and of course the drive tonight. Two weeks with my family will make this last day of wait totally worth it though. I'm so excited to finally be going that I can't even describe it. ^_^

Tom's gonna make pound salsa soon and I can't wait cuz it's nummy and I'm hungry. LoL. Also soon we gotta go outside and clean out the car a bit and put in some oil. *nods* I've already put gas in so we don't need to worry about that. *shakes head* and then (hopefully not too late) we'll go to bed so that we can get up this evening, load up what we haven't already and be on our merry way. *nods again*

So, I'm going to keep myself occupied until Tom says it's time to start doing stuff (or until he starts making the food). To my family, I love you guys and I'll see you tomorrow!!!! -hugs-

2 nights left. Hell? Very well could be...

Well, I have 2 nights of work left before my vacation starts. Part of me is saying 'Woohoo!' like it's nobodies business... but at the same time I'm so tired that the thought of having to go 2 more nights is almost overwhelming. To top it off we are going to reset the sporting goods section of the store and it's not like they're making it easy on us. A bunch of the aisles (sp?) are switching around and such. Aye aye aye! I just can't wait to get to Utah. I so need this like you wouldn't even believe. *yawns* I think I'm gonna try to go to bed soon. Seriously.

2 down 3 to go.

Okay I have 2 nights of work behind me and just 3 to go. Damn, it seems like this weekend is never go to get here! I know it's just that I'm excited about going to Utah, but of course that's something that can't be helped. I wish that we could just leave for Utah on Friday morning right after work...but I don't want to drive during the day and we should try to get some sleep before we go anyway. I know I'm going to be way excited that day though and probably won't sleep very well. LoL.

Well, I'm going to do some other stuff I think. Mostly just wanted to make a quick post to let you know that I'm alive and kickin...or kicked back at least. ^_^

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O(")_(")

Happy weekend! Oh my gosh it was another looooong ass week at work. (You know one of those weeks that makes you want to quit...until you get the paycheck with all that lovely overtime on it?). Hahah! At least it's finally Friday, though and I (thankfully) have the next 2 nights off work. Damn, I think last night (this morning) was the only day this week that I didn't have at least 40 minutes of overtime, and most days this week I had at least close to an hour!

So here's a run down for the next 7 days.

Tonight and Tomorrow night: I'm gonna sit on my lazy butt with the exception of cleaning out my car so that its ready to make the upcoming trip to Utah.

Sunday thru Thursday night: Go to work (with some comp stuff and sleeping during the day) and likely wanting to pull my hair out. (It's another 40 hour week....so I'm expecting at least some OT again...)

Friday: Sleeping (or trying to cuz I'm way too excited to sleep)

and finally Friday night we are leaving for Utah!!!

Then it's 2 full weeks of sweet vacation and I can't begin to tell you how much I need this. Seriously work has my completely exhausted and if there had been any way I could go THIS week instead of next and take 3 weeks off work I SO WOULD! But I know that I just have to get through one more week and then I'll be able to relax a bit.

Okay well I'm going to do a few more things perhaps and then I think I'm going to go to bed. I'm pretty tired. -hugs to all-

=)

So, I've just spent the last...oh hour so so (maybe longer) doing some cleaning in my trailer cuz I'm managed to misplace my checkbook (perfect), and I'm really due for a good spring cleaning anyway. I was standing there picking stuff up when I looked up to where I have my family pictures sitting. It's a photo frame when spots for 8 photos that Jason got me for Christmas a couple years ago and I think of everything I own it's probably the only thing I've never lost at least once. LoL. Granted I still have yet to fill the last photo spot with my own photo I love looking at the other pictures there. One picture is of my whole family on one of our Disneyland vacations we love so much. I think that is my favorite picture there simply becuz it's all of us together. Then the other pictures are of the rest of my family individually aside from Mom and Dad being together, and Shane is in Jason's photo & Emily is in Jessicah's photo. I feel really bad that I haven't added a photo of Tom and me to it, but I guess I just haven't really found a good one yet. Which is hard enough since we really don't take pictures. One of these days though.

So, we did finally manage to get in our papers to take time off at the end of the month and we got the managers signed approval so pending some freak reason our trip to Utah is going to happen. ^_^ I can't begin to describe how excited I am. One reason being that since I moved to California the longest time I've seen my family in one visit is one week (sometimes it was only 2 to 4 days depending on when the visit was) and this visit is actually going to be 2 whole weeks! Yesss! I'm getting so psyched up about seeing everyone that I think my heart my explode! Yeah, if you can't tell I miss them a bit. Heeheehee. I've got so many things I'd like to do while I'm there too. I can't really think of a lot right now... but they're floatin' around in my mind somewhere. LoL.

It's going on 1:20pm now and I really should be heading to bed so I don't get too off schedule, but I magaged to sleep from (I kid you not) 1pm yesterday till almost 6am today. Yeah. I was damn tired. It's kind of good though cuz I was actually scheduled a full 40 hours this week (and I know I got at least 2 full hours of overtime in there) so I was pretty damn exhausted. Good thing I also have tonight off. I don't want to sleep as last as I did yesterday, but at least I don't have to be up by any means 'early'. I'm due for another 40 hour week this coming week so my paychecks should start looking somewhat nicer than they have been. Thank goodness. I was beginning to feel poor.... well ... poorer. LoL!

Well, I guess I'm out of things to write about right now. But at least I got an entry down even if I did a very little actual update on myself. =) Love you all! <3